Just like his predecessor before him, Scolari’s been reportedly given £100million to sort himself out a few players when he gets to Stamford Bridge. I’m not sure where the press get that figure from exactly, but it’s a nice round sum so let’s go with it.

According to recent reports, the minute Scolari steps through the Stamford Bridge gates, he’ll be handing in a shopping list for home delivery. The fact that the list has names like Kaka, Torres, Ribery, Villa and Quaresma on it doesn’t seem to make the press think they might be stretching the truth a little and these stories look likely to continue for the foreseeable future. And with the club’s in question clearly reading the same papers, one by one they’re all reported to have issued ‘hands off’ warnings to any potential approaches.

First up is Kaka, and just like we were originally told about Shevchenko, this one’s ‘not for sale’. Even with a bid rumoured to take a possible £50million out of Scolari’s ‘budget’, the Rossoneri insist it will be ‘impossible’ to sign the Brazilian. The FIFA World Player of the Year must be pretty cheesed off at the thought of a season without Champions League football, and has admitted recently playing for United would be ‘a dream come true’, but the fact remains, as far as Milan are concerned Kaka has a contract with them until 2013 and that’s exactly where he’ll be til that time.

Next on the list is Liverpool’s Fernando Torres, and why wouldn’t he be after an impressive first season in the Premier League, with 33 goals to his credit? Big Phil’s rumoured to have his eye on the Spaniard and a decent show in the Euros so far is doing nothing to dampen down the recent speculation. However, even with football’s equivalent of Laurel and Hardy in charge, Liverpool are hardly likely to sell off what is arguably their biggest asset right now and Rick Parry has duly informed the media Torres ‘is not going anywhere’.

Bayern Munich have followed Milan and Liverpool’s lead as far as issuing warning’s are concerned. They too seem to have read the daily’s and suggest they won’t be welcoming any offers for France International Franck Ribery. I can see where the press are coming from linking the Bundesliga player of the year who, in Thierry Henry’s words can be ‘a nightmare for any defender’, but with even the player himself saying he’s not interested, you’d have thought they’d have stopped barking up this particular tree by now. And with his fee of around £17million not likely to be added to Scolari’s outgoings either, Scolari’s still got £100million to play with.

So having ruled out all the above, one of the ‘possibles’ is Valencia’s David Villa who looks a dead cert to leave the Mestalla this summer. The player has already said he’d be happy to play in the Premier League (although I don’t recall it being Chelsea he fancied) although his preference would be to stay in Spain. And with both Barcelona and Real Madrid for competition, Scolari would have to pull out all the stops to secure this particular strikers signature. Hang on a minute though, the boss has still got £100million burning a hole in his pocket according to the press and with Valencia in dire financial straits, a bid of around £30million could just about see the Spanish hit-man bound for Stamford Bridge – and that still leaves £70million for Scolari to play with.

But guess what? The press have already spent £43million of that for him on Deco and Eto’o. According to the recent gossip, Barcelona are having a bit of a clear-out and are ready to off-load these two – albeit at inflated prices – to Scolari. It’s definitely a strange one though because Deco was rated around £10million and we were reportedly offering around £22million for Eto’o at one stage and yet the press have calculated that as £43million altogether. Anyway, I digress – back to the Barca duo. The news on Eto’o seems to be that there’s interest from both Inter and AC Milan (naturally) although it’s AC who’ve made him a top priority signing. The man himself seems to be playing his cards close to his chest so we’ll just have to wait and see what the press come up with, with regards to his opinion. Onto Deco though and the press have a little bit more to offer. Although the initial suggestion (pre-Scolari) was that Deco was undecided between playing for his old boss at Inter or trying out Premier League football with Chelsea, the latest offering is that our signing of Scolari has made the Portuguese midfielder’s mind up for him. They’ve even gone so far as to say Deco’s been over to Roman’s yacht in Dubrovnik for a chat. So as far as the press are concerned that’s that one sorted and Scolari’s transfer kitty’s down to £27million.

But wait a minute, as luck would have it, the last player the press have linked us with (for now at least) comes in at exactly that price. Porto’s Ricardo Quaresma likened by the journo’s to Ronaldo (such is their sense of humour), has apparently expressed an interest in moving abroad and therefore has to be a certainty to be heading our way. So that’s it then, job done and Scolari hasn’t even arrived yet – don’t know what we’re paying him for really!

Filed under: Rants