A Chelsea Christmas Panto

Once upon a time in a club in London, there reigned a very rich owner who had almost everything he could possibly want. He was a very happy businessman but every day would still look in The Mirror and ask “Mirror, Mirror in my hand, who’s the most newsworthy in the land?” Of course, because journalists are a little obsessed with certain clubs, The Mirror always answered “Chelsea FC”.

Except, one particular morning, when the Evil Owner got out of bed and sat down with his customary bowl of Sugar puffs, he’d barely said the words “Mirror, Mirror in my hand, who’s the most newsworthy…..” when it shouted back at him “Roy Hodgson.”  “Wtf?” The Evil Owner was furious. “Headlines not created by my own” he raged, and calling on his footman Brucie, demanded “Bring me this player that won’t be sold at once.”

Next morning, safe in the knowledge his bidding would have been done, the Evil Owner ran his hand over his salon perfected stubble, and lazily reaching across his table, gushed “Mirror, Mirror, forget about Roy, just tell me of my latest toy.” Unfortunately for the Evil Owner, it seemed his footman had been so in awe of El Niño’s golden locks, he’d done little more than drool over his bic pen, coming back without the signature he’d gone looking for. So, The Mirror gloated in reciting  the player’s words “My commitment and loyalty to the club and to the fans is the same as it was on my first day when I signed”.

Having none of it, the Evil Owner headed for Anfield where El Niño was being looked after by Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Ugly, Cheat, Happy, Bashful, Sleepy, Angry, Doc and Stevie Me – otherwise known as Liverpool FC. With the promise of much money and Chelsea love, he placed a pen in Nando’s hand – and the Spanish striker promptly fell into an eternal sleep.

Everyone tried to poke and prod him awake – a kindly old Italian, a doublé-barrelled youngster, even a handsome prince and whilst he stirred for a bit, it was no more than rapid eye movement – and the Evil Owner’s impatience grew. In fact, he got so angry he swerved the traditional fairytale altogether, went full blown improvised pantomime and brought a toad in to do the job.

Did El Niño wake when the toad hopped around sprinkling fairy dust though? Well, according to this particular storyline, the toad (not even a fairytale could turn this one into a prince) puts El Niño on his horse; after saying farewell to the friends who have stood by him and the two ride into the sunset (well, back to Anfield anyway), where they live happily ever after.

 

It’s just panto folks!

 

3 Responses to “A Chelsea Christmas Panto”

  1. E’lino is i begining to feel life back in him.

  2. TORRES stíll need do discover himself again now that there is a sign of enlightenment in him. Moreover he needs a hot sensational and inspired strike to arouse him, compete with him at stamford Bridge. Roman please dnt fail to sign Falcao or any other struggler as a stricker. so that TORRES can be on a free role playing from the both flanks diagonlly.

  3. TORRES stíll need do discover himself again now that there is a sign of enlightenment in him. Moreover he needs a hot sensational and inspired striker to arouse him, compete with him at stamford Bridge. Roman please dnt fail to sign Falcao or any other struggler as a stricker. so that TORRES can be on a free role playing from the both flanks diagonally.