Pre-season 2014/15: Tears, Tantrums & Testosterone

From the stagnation that is closed season, pre-season proper is a time for speculation, excitation and potentially even ejaculation, or at least pre-season on Twitter is. With testosterone levels increasing on an almost tweet by tweet basis, shoulders are squared, chests puffed out and keyboards undoubtedly hammered as one-upmanship starts in earnest.

Ribbing the opposition……..

@Millhaven_Curse: Normal hostilities now resume. Back to battering and taking the piss out of our football rivals with gusto. #cfc #prem #cl #fac #leaguecup

@CityNeil69: @TerrenceTheCat He’s already forgotten who Chelsea are…. Full on Yanky Soccer lover now T…. He’ll be kissing the badge soon.
@TerrenceTheCat: @CityNeil69 he will NEVER love you like he loved us – and you know it…..

@mufcshirts: Isn’t it sweet that lfc fans are patting themselves on the back that 49,000 watched them & city play last night. #welldone

@Healosh: Next stop Dallas where #LFC lay a wreath at the very spot Bobby Ewing was run over and killed.

@burnsieboy65: Liverpool love in starting already because they’ve won a friendly 4-0. #sowhat

@ChelseaKelv: @itvfootball have referred to Wayne Rooney as a ‘transfer request enthusiast’. Awful broadcaster but fair do’s, that’s funny 

@JulyTeeMUFC: Arsenal: Community Shield winners and undisputed champions of wanky pitch selfies.

@_Rob_B: 2nd major trophy for Arsenal in 9 years. Great times for the Gunners. *giggles like Wilshere smoking a fag*

@SingerAwayBoyz: Touchy you Chav$ki fans! Must be bitter about our FA Cup win and Community shield win. At least Hull and Man $hitty showed class in defeat.

The Fond Farewells…….

@TheSunFootball: PL Chief: “He’s…an accident waiting to happen…can’t say I’m sorry to see him go.” #Suarez

@StrettyNews: In all seriousness, the PL has lost its best referee today. Having been in charge of CL & World Cup finals, Webb was respected worldwide.

The Chest-puffing Hellos……

@themartinsamuel: A summary of Man City’s negotiation with Vincent Kompany. VK: “I have some demands” #MCFC: “Yeah, sure, agreed, sign here” VK: “Oh, cheers”

@TeleFootball: Man City make sixth signing of summer as defender Eliaquim Mangala completes move from Porto

@BrazilStats: Man City CB Mangala has now become the most expensive defender in history with €54M, ahead of PSG’s David Luiz with €50M, according to RMC.

@ThePuntersPage: BREAKING – David Silva has signed a new 5-year deal at Man City. #MCFC

@ChelsTransfer: Chelsea’s capture of Cesc Fabregas is the best Premier League signing of the summer (Telegraph) Link: #CFC #AFC

@evilbluebird: Jose Mourinho: Diego Costa will bring more than just goals to Chelsea (via @daily_express)

@empireofthekop: Moreno ‘super motivated’ ahead of £12m move to Anfield

@IndyFootball: Liverpool to hold more talks with Samuel Eto’o over one-year move, according to reports

@eaamalyon: Sure someone has dealt with this, but Man Utd knew Vidic and Ferdinand were going in January. 3 days until new season, no new centre-backs.

@thefootballcafe: Been informed that Manchester United have agreed a fee with Real Madrid for Di Maria! Down to personal terms and medical now.

@UnitedUpdates: Analysis: Ander Herrera’s debut: We take a detailed look at new signing Ander Herrera’s Old Trafford bow.

@ManUtd: BREAKING: Luke Shaw has a hamstring injury and is expected to be out for around four weeks. #mufc

@timpayton: Wanted: Versatile world class holding midfielder adaptable to play Centre Back. Any ideas please contact Arsenal FC. Silly prices not paid

@GoalUK: 1. Arsenal lead race for £51m Cavani, Man Utd make another Vidal bid – latest rumours in Transfer Talk

@offthepost: Arsenal target Kostas Manolas left out of Olympiacos squad

The Paranoia………..

@Satriale80: If LVG had taken the Spurs job instead – would anyone predict they were more likely to win the league than Liverpool or Arsenal?

@LFCRamble: On what planet is Walcott a better footballer than Sterling ?

@daniellewarren: Has a team that’s finished 2nd in the Premier League ever been so derided & dismissed as Liverpool is right now? It’s incredible really.

@RorySmithTimes: Apparently saying Man City played badly yesterday constitutes a witch-hunt. This is going to be a long season.

The Totally Deluded…..….

@NoHeroesHere: ‘If you gave us three points for all the games we didn’t win, we’d have been champions’. Brendan Rodgers

@English_AS: Sterling has touch like Messi – Rodgers via @ESPNFC

@Tobino_: People truly undervalue the benefits that Özil’s transfer has had on the Arsenal team.

The Tears and Tantrums……..

@PatCrerand: If you don’t support all the players who play for Utd don’t bother coming to Old Trafford

@steve_mcfc: @DavidLynchMEN The LVG wankathon has been entirely based on expectations that Utd will rise like a phoenix from the ashes tho.

@RFFH: I’m sorry, I trust LVG but letting 3 experienced players leave & only bringing in 2 with less than 40 PL games between them is a huge risk

@Unitedology: Who the fuck negotiates Chelsea’s sales, does he just drug the other clubs representatives and write the cheque himself.

The Testosterone……..

@TinManUnited: Get in @WayneRooney get us #21. #captain

@Fleming3John: Never heard of Nastastic or Mangala. Wtf are people worried about Man city’s team for? It’s a decent squad, yeah but no better than ours

@10thMar1905: Costa is gonna proper get stuck into some CB Pairings this Season #Chap

@JoeTweeds: Marco van Ginkel’s tackling is now the greatest thing in football. Wallop.

@ParkedTheBus: @johncrossmirror Hi John, just wanted to let you know that Cesc was exceptional last night, cheers.

@UnitedsRedArmy: Pellegrini are you listening,
You’d better keep our trophy glistening,
We’ll be back in May,
To take it away,
Walking in a Louis wonderland

@PercyToplis: LVG couldn’t have been more impressive in any way so far. What a manager. To think most of us doubted he was the man.

The Reality Check ……..

@Cfcaway: Tonight’s game is just a dress rehearsal for all the boozers in SW6 to get their act together for the coming season…

And finally………The Kiss of death……..

@OllieHolt22: My Premier League top four for this season: 1. Chelsea. 2. Manchester City. 3. Arsenal. 4. Manchester United.

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